On the Bright Side...

The ruined husk of cars line the highway. Dust covers their once shiny carapaces. The still air hangs warm and muggy. Above, a faded billboard peels away. A lady's face is only half-visible, her eyes hidden. Her smile now a taunt. "Wish you were here..."

The bombs came in the night destroying every person in the world. My survival was owed only to my sudden need to sleep in a lead tube to help with my sleep apnea. Apparently, I was the only man in Los Angeles who had a snoring problem. Lucky me.

Water was in short supply. I had only a half gallon left, most of it gone to keeping my hair shampooed. Probably a mistake, looking back. When help didn't seem to be on the way, I decided to venture out of my apartment. After traipsing around the ruined city for a few days it became painfully obvious there was no one left.

I kicked an empty soda can down the road. It bounced off the side of an upturned Cadillac. The sound reverbrated like a bell. "Well," I sighed, "at least those pretentious pricks in college are dead."

Time Off!

Episode 3 of "Weird Office Tales" will finish shooting tomorrow. Hopefully. Our shooting schedule has suffered numerous setbacks due to the slew of summer movie releases. If all goes according to plan, this will the first 2 day weekend I've had in months. Two days off? What ever will I do with all the time?

Free time is usually a bad thing for me because I tend to punish my body with all manner of toxic chemicals. Whiskey helps while away the hours, but I have a nagging feeling I should be doing something more constructive with my time. Perhaps partaking in that "exercise" thing of which I have been hearing a lot of talk.

The empty apartment fills me with dread. The pressure to make the most of the weekend, to squeeze every ounce of fun out of the day is too much. I almost prefer the solid montony of work, my day's activities cemented, 9 hours committed to a function. People will notice if I'm gone. To be is to be perceived. If I sit in my apartment and no one sees me, do I even exist?

Peter Saarsgard SARS Guard

Poor Kids Do This at The Library

Snoring

My snoring has gotten progressively worse over the years. Last night, I was halfway asleep and heard myself snoring, but I didn't know it was me. Of course I thought it was a monster, so I screamed as loud as I could in a bid to scare it off for, like, a minute straight. Well, the police were called and that presented a whole new list of problems. They don't like me too much and use any excuse to have me beaten upon the head.

Bottom line, I need to do something about this snoring. My throat is seriously sore today and I think a main contributing factor is the somnambulist aria I perform nightly in my bedroom. Even surgery is on the table.

The 90's

I was watching re-runs of "The State" on iTunes tonight and it made me want to vomit. Not because the humor wasn't awesome (which it was), but because it reminded me of where I was in the 90's. The hopes the dreams. The belief that there were really cool people outside my provincial little town. Turns out: Nope! It pretty much sucks everywhere. Kurt Cobain was right. If I had any sense I would have stuck my head in front of a shot gun when I was 15. Just like Arseface.

Comic Book Cave

It was hot yesterday. I locked myself in my bedroom during the day, huddled around the window A/C like a golem in a deep wet cave. I caught up on my comic books and I can safely say that the "Brand New Day" arc of Amazing Spider-Man officially sucks. It has just bad writing. Mediocre, at best, but I'm not going to dedicate buying 4 issues a month on something that's just "bleh." That's like 16 bucks!

Bad enough that I was forced into this "Brand New Day" story. Straczynski was a damn fine writer, and it was a shame to see him ham-strung by Marvel-wide events. I wonder what stories he would have told if he didn't get caught up in "The Other" or "Civil War" or "Back in Black." ( Well, now he has "Thor" so maybe he can have more free reign there.)

I'm seriously going to cut Spider-Man from my pull list. Holy smokes! Buying comics every month and not having a Spider-Man title? I know, sacriledge right? I've stuck with spidey for awhile, but until they quit effing around and bring back Mary Jane and stop using the movies as official canon then I'm hitting the bricks.

That is until after Chris Bachalo's run next month.

419 Scam

What the eff, people? That mypace can be a pretty dangerous thing. I got a message from some lady who seemed to be really into my shit. I mean, like, she was in love with me or something. Obviously, she had some sort of mental problem and with such an effusive display of emotion, along with her plaintive calls for me to be her friend, I figured this lady was mondo suicidal.

It wouldn't be the first time.

So, we had some correspondence (I felt it was my responsiblity, you see) and I thought she might really enjoy my company. As it were. Then suddenly the bottom fell out.

She wanted 700 dollars to move some illegal gold from Nigeria.

Treachery! I had unwittingly stumbled upon one of those infamous 419 scams that I see Dateline busting on the television. I never gave the "woman" any personal information, so that's good. But man, it just made me sick. Especially after doing some research on some people who have really had their lives shattered by these confidence men.

The picture of the lady they used on her profile was probably some poor woman they lured to Africa and then robbed, raped, and macheted her. Then used her picture to trick unsuspecting "marks" into wiring them money so they could buy more ape saddles and machetes or whatever they need in West Africa.

I gave them some pretty witty jokes, if I do say so myself, but instead of talking to a real person I was communicating with an office full of sweaty black guys trying to understand all my pop culture references. ( I imagine the leader wearing a red beret and green military uniform for some reason.)

Anyway, I know a lot of lonely guys read this blog because I link to only the hottest dirtiest porn on the web, but be careful out there. These guys have preyed on people who consider themselves to be well educated and savvy.

Moody Blues

Why do we push away the ones we kind of care about? I don't know the answer to that question. Yesterday as I lay on the floor in my underwear listening to the Capital Children's Choir singing "Desperado"on an endless loop, I couldn't help but think that I was somehow not living my life to its full potential. Sure, I have an almost endless supply of money and the bitches on the street all holla when I roll by, but life has to be more than (my apologies to Mr. Ice Cube) "Money and Bitches."

Dr. Girlfriend went out for coffee nine months ago and hasn't come back, I'm drinking enormous amounts of absinthe, my waistline is growing by the day, and my feet smell horrendous. In short, I'm falling apart. Perhaps I should look for the man they call Jesus. I picked up a couple of Chick tracts at the comic convention. I guess I'll finally make some time to read them. After I get through these collections of Conan comics.

Yeah, Conan. That guy's got his shit together. What would Conan Do?

Today's Spotlight: WHN!

Have you been reading What Happens Next lately? If not, you should check out their current storyline. Especially if you're a fan of ReBoot, which only the coolest kids are.

Chick Debt

What's with all these 30-something women with massive debt? It seems everyone I talk to must work 5 jobs just get enough scratch to pay on their Old Navy credit card. And these aren't married chicks either, these are single go-getters. (It's well known that I will not talk to a woman that has ever or is in the process of birthing a child.)

None of my single guy friends have crushing debt. So what's the dilly-o? Just a weird trend I've noticed at the single bars and opium dens.

The End?

Man, it sucks that a lot of webcomics I used to read are ending, closing up shop. I used to be webcomic reading fiend. Now I just do enough drugs so I can forget that I suck. Well, don't worry true believers because this blog is going nowhere. That's right, I'm stuck on the Interwebs like that rash that's stuck on the tip of your dick!

Speaking of which, I found this link. People dressed in Final Fantasy costumes having sex with each other! Weird, I know.